“Christ of the mysteries, can I trust you on the sea?” Prayer of St Brendan
Faith does not come easily to me. I would really prefer to see the road
ahead of me and know how everything will work out. At this point in my life,
however, I have decided to step out in faith and follow the call of God on my
life. I have moved back to the Pacific Northwest and am looking for a place to
settle. I am working with a group of Episcopalians starting an
outdoor church ministry. I am in discussion with a few folks around forming
intentional community in the Catholic Worker tradition. In all of this, I feel
the wind of the Spirit blowing in my life.
Yet, there are always doubts. How do I explain a call to voluntary poverty
to my friends and family? Am I too idealistic? Am I crazy to think that I can
live differently in a world that expects consumerism, success, and the endless
pursuit of an “American Dream”? Life would be so much easier if I just settled
down in a more stable career, got settled, and then did some volunteer work that
I really enjoy on the side.
Yet the Spirit, she calls me to a different life. Paul, the man of so many
paradoxes, voices some of my longing; “I consider everything loss…I want to
know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of his
suffering…” To know Christ, to experience the power of the risen Christ in my
life, to meet Jesus on the streets and in the people around me, to find Jesus
in the suffering of the world as we know it. To know the power of his resurrection,
to find that there is a different way to live, a radical way that flies in the
face of our current economic system, a way that shows the power of the
resurrection and a new way of life. For each of us, this may look different.
For me, it looks like the call of Jesus of Nazareth, who gave up all to live on
the margins of human society and called us to do the same.
I have to admit that the thought of following this path scares me. A lot.
After all, Jesus was crucified, Paul got his head chopped off. Things don’t always
go so well for those who defy the way things are, the status quo. Even St
Francis, who died peacefully in his bed, spent much of his life sick, probably
from wandering around with no fixed income or housing. Sometimes I feel a little
like Jeremiah, asking God why he couldn’t just live a normal life.
But then there is that fire Jeremiah also talks about, burning in my bones, keeping me restless for God. There is a longing to spend and be spent for the work of God and God’s kin-dom. I am not completely sure what this will look like for me. But I am following this way, one step at a time, hopeful that Jesus walks by my side. This path started years ago for me, on a pilgrim road in an ancient British monastery, and it continues now as I wander with God.
Sarah,
ReplyDeleteI think what you are doing is what you are called to do even though it will have its down side. You are young, and you are only young once. When you are my age (60), you have to change the way you do things if you have family and serious responsibilities. This is your chance, and it will not come again. I think when we step out of the churches to minister it is sacramental in its own way. You are following Christ, and walking the walk (not just talking it), so I say, Carpe Diem and good luck and many blessings. Ann